Thursday, January 7, 2010

Jane's Sweets Out-takes from 2009: Memorable Baking Wipe Outs, Wash Outs, and Overall Monstrosities

Ahh, the joy of baking mishaps, monstrosities, and plain unmitigated disasters. In honor of the new year, I figured it might be time for the first ever round-up of Jane's Sweets & Baking Journal's greatest and most gruesome out-takes. Afterall, there are just so many to choose from. Here's a ghastly sampling.

Let's start with the plum upside-down cake that looked better after it was catapulted into the garbage can. Remember that one?

Or how about the decorated three-layer cake that melted like a candle burning at both ends?

That one's seared into my memory for all time. (I'm certain you feel the same way.)

Lucky for you, there were a few baked horrors that I was charitable enough to keep under wraps . . . among them the purple scone batter from Hell. That one was exorcised from the household before it could fulfill its hideous fate.

Positively sinister. Those scones never saw the light of day. As Martha Stewart would say, it's a good thing.

And here we have a pan of recalcitrant mini-cornbread loaves that just wouldn't get with the program.

I know it's sad, but you simply can't help a cornbread loaf that doesn't want to help itself.

Despite its deceptively normal appearance, this coy imposter, pictured below, masqueraded as a classic yellow layer cake with caramel frosting. In reality, however, it was a cake so rubbery and unpalatable, so devoid of genuine flavor and appeal, partially enrobed in a frosting so disgustingly, outrageously sweet, it could only be safely served to humans if accompanied by a gallon jug of fresh insulin.

God save us.

Oh, and here we have the loaf of bread that wishes it had been born an envelope.

Talk about an abomination of nature.

* * * * *
Okay, I think that's enough for now. You alright? Want me to call someone for you?

Just go lie down for a while. I'll check in on you tomorrow.


Hanaâ said...

LOL. The envelope bread was the best one. I usually don't even bother capturing my disasters on film, but I'll have to start because this would be very amusing to my blog readers :o) Thanks for sharing! I needed a nice giggle right about now :o)

Jane said...

Hi Hanaa,
Yes, the envelope bread was my favorite too. I still have nightmares about it!

:) Jane

My Casa Bella said...

Thank you for those good laughs!!!

Catherine said...

What a great post...many smiles!
Happy Blogging!

Mags said...

OMG... you are too funny!

Thanks for sharing your disappointments with us.

faithy, the baker said...

LOL! I actually like the envelope bread! It's so cute! Not easy to recreate that one! :)

I think your melting cake looks good! I didn't see anything wrong with it actually. I thought it looked very good with all the butterflies. Very pretty! I think you are just too harsh on yourself! :)

Marie said...

Haha, you are a brave gal for showing these all. I think all cooks have disasters from time to time. I know I do and some of them much worse than this!! xxoo

Kate at Serendipity said...

" simply can't help a cornbread loaf that doesn't want to help itself." Jane, you are TOO FUNNY. This post was hilarious. Thanks for sharing the flops. They keep us humble.

Actually, I think the envelope bread looks kinda good--lots of crust! Weird sandwiches, though.

Jane said...

Hi Arlene -
Don't mention it! :)


Hi Catherine --

If we didn't laugh about, we'd have to cry, right? Ha!

:) Jane

Hey there Mags--
Thanks very much! And, you're welcome! :)


Hi Faithy--
Oh, that's good! You're sweet. Maybe the melting cake's meltiness was not as obvious as I thought. (Did you look at the basketweave part of the cake?? That's the horrible part!)

:) Jane

Hi Marie,
Yep, that's me . . . courage under fire, as they say! ;)


Hi Kate,
Well, speaking of funny, that envelope bread looked so funny when it was sliced! Each slice sort of resembled a swan bending his head down, with a big square body. (Maybe I should put a picture of the slices in that post, too!)

:) Jane

Anne said...

This is too funny. I know it happens to me more often than I'd like to admit so it's refreshing to see similar escapades from others! I guess I need to laugh and take a picture next time!

Mrs Ergül said...

Jane, I simply adore your humour and attitude when faced with failed baked goods! But that cake looked good. I particularly like the piped swirls you did on the edge! And the envelope bread is cute. When slice, it actually resembled a teapot! ;)

Memória said...

You are funny!! I love your writing style and lovely photos. I love what you wrote about the bread and the cake's texture. Too cute.